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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!