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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.