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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!