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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
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We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist