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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know