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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.