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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
I`d hit that. - women drivers
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.