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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.