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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.