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Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Good for you, people that do things.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired