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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent