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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
How Big is Infinity?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.