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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
My life is based on a true story
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(