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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.