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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.