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can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.