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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!