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Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands