Daily Silly Status

My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.

Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.

My greatest achievement today was writing this status.

When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.

I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"

Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).

As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.

Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.

The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.