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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?