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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.