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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
New day, same old bullsh!t
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
You look like I need another drink
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.