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Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.