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Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
My IQ? ... With google or without?