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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
and alcohol are now friends.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
I hate when the remote is way over there
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.