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According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.