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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers