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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.