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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.