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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.