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My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.