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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Iām not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.