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Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.