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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing