Daily Silly Status

My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.

I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.

Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"

All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.

When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."

When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.

You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.

Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard

I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.

I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.

I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?

At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.

Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.