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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.