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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave