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Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
My memory foam has amnesia