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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!