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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.