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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?