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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!