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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.