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If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.