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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.