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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.