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Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?