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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Insert coin to view my status message.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Iām not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium