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Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you