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This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.