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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.