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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!