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Which wine goes best with more wine?
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.