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umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I dare you to spit on this status.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"