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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.