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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.