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I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Don’t believe everything you think.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.